This Sunday is Mothering Sunday, it is very much a day of remembrance now, but that hasn't always been the case.
For me Mother's Day marks the start of a sequence of dates, that bring nothing but a mood of reflection and a time to stop and think.
Back some time ago, maybe five or six years, I remember this as a very dark day, an awful time, strictly negative. There are certain things that people wouldn't know which are personal to me, only family would know Mum's birthday and only a few would remember the date she died. In everyday life those two aforementioned dates did not prove too much of a hurdle to get over because firstly people didn't know them and secondly because I never spoke about it openly.
However, this is a completely different story for Mother's Day. A national event that includes every single family, no matter what size or stature. It is impossible to get away from the furore that surrounds it in this modern day in age. Supermarkets putting out their Mother's Day spreads weeks before the event. A constant stream of emails on my phone "Buy your Mum an iPad for Mother's Day", "Mother's day weekend breaks", "Treat your Mum on her day" are just some of the subject headings. Perhaps most significantly, everybody around me letting me know what they are doing for it, whether that be a meal, drinks or a family get together. If I said this didn't effect me, I'd be lying.
The thing that hurts me the most is that on this day nothing else matters but her. I would give up my world to have her back, just to talk to her for a day, I've got so many questions to ask her. Although I wouldn't know where to start. It is a time where I have to remember that I miss her, I know that sounds silly but in context it's so true, the date itself brings it to my attention. I remember I used to stay in my room all day, listening to music and distracting myself, whilst most of my friends carried out their plans for the day. I would completely disconnect and nobody would ask me about it, not even family. Even they would know the ramifications, so it just wasn't brought up. Looking back this was probably the wrong approach, but it was my way. It's very hard to partake in an event with the main person missing.
Nowadays its a different story, I will probably take a visit to my Mum's tree in the woods where we last left her, go and see my Granny for whom the day is also especially hard for, and look back at some old photos and remember the good times. Also most importantly, talk about it to whoever wants to listen. Celebrating the day for the life she lived not the life she lost.
To those with a loving mother I will only say this, make sure she's knows it - it doesn't have to be presents, love is all thats needed.
To those who aren't so familiar, reach out and break a barrier, because you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
To those that have loved and lost,
Keep her in your dreams.