What if?

What if?

A question that has frustrated me for 12 years. What if my mum never got cancer? What if she had never died? I feel like I become trapped in these questions sometimes. Unable to face reality, unable to face that 12 years on she is gone, she did get cancer, she did die. Surreal. It feels like a story that it was so long ago. A plot line of a movie that I watched when I was 7 years old that has stuck with me ever since. But it was real and it did happen. I get so angry sometimes that I was so young when all this unfolded, that I can't remember certain things because I was just too young. I'm jealous of my older brothers who knew her better, who had longer with her. A loving jealous, not a spiteful jealous. A jealousy of knowledge. A knowledge of what she was like, how she acted, how she spoke, what made her happy, what she was passionate about. I have so many questions that I've wanted answered for so long, but I'm scared that the answers won't bring me anything. I like to try and think how my mothers death has made me what I'm like today. I used to want to blame her for her cancer and for her death, which just highlights my selfishness and arrogance.

Whenever I hear someone say cancer my heart skips a beat and my stomach turns. It's cancers fault, not my mothers. She is as innocent as I.

What if she had got cancer 10 years later? Would she survive? The survival rate of all cancers is on the rise. Wendy Edmonds died of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Maybe one day we'll all laugh at how people used to die of cancer, one day everyone will survive.

Sometimes it's good to talk about the darker thoughts, the best decisions and life changes are often made in our darkest moments. There will always be things that frustrate me, but I'll just have to deal with my demons.

My friend Sam is climbing up to Everest base camp in aid of leukaemia care, please donate if you can: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Sam-Pashen1?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=fundraisingpage&utm_content=Sam-Pashen1&utm_campaign=pfp-share

On the same page. Late last year a friend from school, Kit Mallinson, lost his life in Cambodia. I have some funny memories of the 2 years we knew each other at school in our graphics lessons, you were a true creative and compassionate person and you will be missed by so many.


© 2021 Eddie Edmonds